Thursday, January 12, 2012

4 am Heartbreak

     “Sometimes ghosts walk in on the voices of the frogs…” Sakura said wistfully…

     She sat on a mountain of pillows pulled from all the couches in the big living room. She had lit the fire and the saint candles and was listening to one of her favorite bands. The tape was white and ancient. One of the first albums she had ever owned. 

     The singers voice was haunting and deep and full of pain and beauty. Sakura was one of those souls that reached out to sad music when she felt sad. It was like weaving a tapestry with her emotions and music to create a larger piece of art. A fantastic landscape of pain, fear, and beauty.

     Sakura was awake because the night felt like heartbreak. In a house full of roommates she still felt alone… and 4am was always the tearful hour. She was not sure why, but her heart hurt at that time. And her soul felt like a crackling old tearful song on a vinyl record or a broken tea cup. 

     Uncomforted by arms that would hold her, she came out here alone… wrapped in one of her favorite blankets. Not that she needed it, or the fire for warmth. The spring nights had begun and the air only held the cold with desperation. It was more to feel hugged by something. And warmed by the light. 

     Something in the night made her fearful. The dark was a physical presence. She chased it away with candlelight, music, and warm thoughts about people that touched her and loved her. 
“A warm thought about loves both lost and found can scare away the deepest chilling wraith from ones heart,” said a soft voice. 

    Sakura was not startled by this voice however. She knew it. After all, she wasn’t even sure if she hadn’t created it altogether. 

     “My heart is heavy this night. And there is soul hurt in the air like incense without a smell. I don’t know why I am hurting this much Coyote…” she turned on her mountain of pillows. “But I know that my soul feels as though it swims in a vortex. I feel like a little girl deprived of stuffed animals and locked into coldness.” 

     Coyote was sitting up and eyeing her intently. He was a canine but his every expression was human and he spoke perfectly. Certainly he was not real. Yet, she did not care. He nodded in response to her.
“Little girls must sometimes face the darkness unguarded to emerge as women… yet a woman you already are my dear. And one of strength as of yet undiscovered. I am here now though… and always will be.” 

     He walked over and laid his muzzle on her leg, looking up at her with canine eyes that held every human emotion. The music continued to play low in the background. The singer sung of pornography and sleep. 

     “I’m here my Little Ronin. And these ghosts coming into your chambers are no more dangerous to you than nightmares or smoke. And I will chase them from your mind if you need me to.”

     Coyote licked her hand and she smiled down at him. “Why are you so kind to me Coyote? What made you come to me? Why am I so special? I do not think I am.”

     “I think you are. And I came to you because I Love You… I need no other reason.”
     “Did I create you?”
     “You are asking me if I am real Sakura?”

     Coyote sat up and was not eye-to-eye with her. “I am as real as you want or need me to be my dear… whether you created me in your mind or not is not important. Reality is perception, and if you believe me to be real, then I am. Nothing is impossible until you decide it is, or stop believing. And I know your heart. You believe.”

     Sakura leaned forward and wrapped her arms around him. He certainly felt solid enough. His fur was soft and warm. He smelled of fields and forests and living in the open winds.

     The embrace was long and although he did not hug back with human arms, he rested his head on her shoulder. She could feel his breathing. His strong heartbeat. He had to be real. 

     “Stop worrying whether I am real or not,” he said and pulled back from her. 

     Then both turned in the direction of the window. They knew something had joined them. She glanced at Coyote who only kept staring intently outside. The thing had no voice. It had no substance. It was only a feeling. Yet it was as real as stone. Coyote spoke to Sakura without moving. “Sometimes ghosts walk in on the voices of the frogs.” 

     Sakura felt her heart twinge at its approach. The closer it came the more fearful and lonely and sad she felt. Coyote came between them and it stopped. His growl was barely audible. Then it was gone and she thanked him. 

     When he turned to her, there were tears on his face. All too human. 

     She went to wipe them but he only licked her face. “No. I endure so that your heart is less troubled. It is the price of such things.” She looked sadly at him and he smiled. “No more fear. It will not return. Not on this night.”

     He leaned into her again and let her hug him. The night now felt less oppressive to her. The music, which had seemed to fade was playing again, low and steady. Coyote licked her hand again and then stood and turned.

     “No…” she said. He turned back and looked at her. “Don’t go.”
     “I have no choice.”
     “Will you let me hold you? I want to…”
     “I want you to. And you always can in your heart.”
     “I don’t want you to leave me.” 

     Coyote walked back to her and nuzzled her with his face. 

     “I will never be far. And I will always be with you.”

     Coyote licked her face gently once more and when she opened her eyes again, he was gone. She looked around and wondered if it was all just her daydreaming again as she was prone to. Then she saw it. A single hair. The music played. The firelight danced on the ceiling and walls. She held it up. A single long white hair. His fur. She held it to her chest and whispered into the night which now felt warm and comforting…

        “Sometimes ghosts walk in on the voices of the frogs…”


XXX ZOMBIEBOY XXX is a freelance writer, artist, photographer and model from Tallahassee, FL and a citizen of the world. He attended a college at which he received a piece of paper that said he was a Masters though the plurality of the statement made him question his duality. XXX ZOMBIEBOY XXX has written numerous articles for Carpe Nocturne magazine and has self published a collection known as OCTOPUS. He is currently working on his second collection TENTACLES and sometimes taking off his clothes and smearing blood on himself as a model. He has a thing for Zombies and horror.

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